Serving others can be very, very, very tiring.
It’s okay if you scratch me off your good missionary list; I think I took myself off that list about a week into this adventure. It’s okay if you think I’m selfish; I totally am. I’m a human being, right? Being a missionary doesn’t automatically make you some sort of ‘super Christian.’
Dealing with the collective selfishness of over 70 children at short range for 12 weeks and the selfishness of your co-workers who are flawed human beings just like you, is hard. Goodness, at this point in the term I find being stuck with me gets pretty hard to bear! I don’t know how others put up with me if I can barely stand myself…
The toll on my mind, my emotions, and this year in particular my body have been pretty high. The sleep deprivation, the stress, and the sinking feeling that no matter how fast you pour yourself out, you can’t meet the gaping need in front of you.
Need, need, need. Humans are so needy. I can’t even fathom how God beings to deal with a whole history of needy humankind. I guess I’ve learned to appreciate just a tiny bit more what it means when it says that God gives wisdom to all without reproach. Ouch. My wisdom is too often dished out with a rather large helping of reproach. I guess I’ve learned just a little bit more how unlovable I am, and how great God is to love me anyway, raging selfishness and all.
So, in these last few days of term (the kids go home on Thursday—GLORY HALLELUJAH), please pray for me. Pray that this empty vessel will somehow have just a little bit more oil to pour into the gapping maws of need all around her. Pray that my aching hand and arm will survive the practice I needs to put in for three days of intense piano playing. Pray that I will be able to find joy in the midst of oh so much tiredness. Pray that I will be able to draw deep of my inexhaustible Savior so that I can serve for these last four days.
Because this is all so totally worth it; if I’m going to drive myself to craziness, this is a pretty good place to do it. Right now it’s just hard.
“My [God’s] power is made perfect in weakness…”